The 6 types of Christmas jumper you’ll see every year

By Friday, December 16, 2016 0 1

It’s Christmas Jumper Day! Introduced by the charity Save The Children as a way to “get silly for a serious cause”. Throughout the country people will be keeping cosy in their tackiest, snazziest knitted jumpers while raising money to save lives.
As a loud crowd of Christmas cardigans fills your workplace, take a look around and you’ll soon see patterns emerging (and not just the knitted ones). There are 6 types of Christmas Jumper wearers, how many will you spot? And, more importantly, which one are you?

 

1. The traditional

Simple. Classic. The traditional jumper wearer understands the minimal amount of fun required by the day and sets the limit there. His navy blue Nordic patterned sweater is vaguely stylish and instantly forgettable, helping him blend in to the background – still a part of the crowd, but definitely not standing out. He will be back at his desk within 30 seconds of the obligatory “team photo”, waiting for everyone else to sit down so he can start the tea-round.

2. The nerdy

No traditional styles here. The nerdy Christmas jumper wearer is kitted out in clothes depicting their favourite slogans from the world of TV, films and video games. Instead of Father Christmas you’ll see Chewbacca. Instead of reindeer you’ll see velociraptors. And there’ll be so many “clever” slogans emblazoned across them from “Winter Is Coming” to “Now I Have A Machine Gun Ho Ho Ho” to obscure lines from the once-aired 1962 Doctor Who Christmas Special. In fact, the more obscure the better so if you don’t get the reference, don’t worry. They prefer it that way.

3. The inappropriate

Seeing every opportunity as a chance to shock and amaze, thus showing how wild and daring they are, the inappropriate Christmas jumper wearer will be well prepared for the day, having sought out his jumper from the darkest corners of the internet weeks in advance. Blending traditional festive style with images of sex, violence and Santa urinating on reindeer, the only thing that will spoil this comedic maverick’s fun will be the other office clown turning up in the same jumper. Not to worry though, because their jumpers will only stay on until Carol from HR turns up with a reminder of company policies…

4. The homemade

The homemade jumper wearer has put more time, care and effort in to this hand-knitted creation than an entire year’s worth of her actual work. Starting from instructions she found on youtube, she’s adapted the design as she’s gone along to draw her own personality in. Yes the pattern’s a little askew, and one of the snowman’s arms is longer than the other, and there’s some sort of animal that might be a dog that probably has a fascinating and deeply personal backstory that she’s been practicing for days but on the surface doesn’t appear to have anything to do with the rest of the festive design, but it’s still an impressively constructed top for one person to have made. And one that is guaranteed to win that £5 gift card promised to the best jumper in the office.

5. The homemade (but rubbish)

Ah, the ones who thought they could get away with it. Not one to give in and buy a tacky Christmas jumper, they thought that they too would be able to fashion one out of something else. But their ambitions were too high and now they have to slink in to the office in their pitiful plain top with a misshapen paper Father Christmas glued on the front, with a bit of glitter sprinkled over that you’ll all still be finding on your desks at Easter. They’ll try and laugh it off, but you’ll all be able to see the deep shame in their eyes as the pathetic picture slowly droops, finally falling to the ground around mid morning.

6. The non-participant

Sitting smugly at their desk like they’re so enlightened that the idea of taking part in an activity as simple as putting on a jumper is beneath them, the non-participant feels no shame in ruining everyone’s fun. They’ll wear their normal clothes thank-you-very-much, keeping themselves out with excuses like “I just don’t own a Christmas jumper” or “I don’t see the point” or the very worst “I forgot”. So you’ll drag them in to the office picture anyway and they’ll be forced to stand awkwardly at the side looking more out of place and stupid than if they’d just joined in to begin with, and everyone will remember not to buy them a round at the Christmas party.

What are you wearing for Christmas jumper day? Share your best jumper designs with us and let us know if there’s any other categories we’ve forgotten!

BONUS: here’s some of the Christmas Trees & Lights team getting into the festive mood!

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We’re raising money and awareness for Save the Children, who provide relief for children in developing countries, fighting to reduce child poverty, and improve health and education for young children who need it most. You can make a contribution to Save the Children over on their website.

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